Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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