Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
