The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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