Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
