Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
