My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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