Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
