Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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