If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
