I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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