I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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