She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
