come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
