I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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