We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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