You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
