I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?