And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
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I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.