Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(309): View more from Illinois

And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(510): View more from California

note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

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Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Read it at the TFLN blog
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(256): View more from Alabama

So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...

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(850): View more from Florida

I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.

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