Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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