I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
