Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
