Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
