btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
