Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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