No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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