I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
