so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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