god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm too high and old for this...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
