I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
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My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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