Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
