his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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