I wish my penis had an off switch
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
