3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
