If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
