I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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