My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
