Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you never un-have a 4some
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
