Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
