Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
