so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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