once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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