Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You took a bar mat shot.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
