I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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