I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
