I'm so fucking centered right now
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
