just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
they call him Oral-B. enough said
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
