So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
