a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
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Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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