so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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