I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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