Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
