I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?