i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?