There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
