I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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