I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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