She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All the doctor said was why
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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