Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
