Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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