Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
