Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
