i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
